What Are You Scared Of?

There she was again.  The "raging psychopath" as her husband would call her.  The one that would frantically pack up her suitcase at 9pm, wake up her kids, and switch hotel rooms if necessary, just in order to feel a little safer.  There she was again telling her husband that he should have been a little firmer with the front desk attendant and demand he stay on the phone until the manger spoke to him.  There she was telling her husband how if she handled it, everything would have already been taken care of.  There she was once again, wearing the pants in the relationship.  In the back of her mind though she knew she was being ridiculous and that everything would be fine, but she needed to be right, and she partially was. 

Truth be told the hotel security had been changing the locks on each hotel room and it bothered her that this was being done while they were on vacation and had just returned from a long day at the pool.  After all, this hotel suite wasn’t cheap, and it cost a lot of money for them to be there.  She wanted to get the kids showered and they just wanted to relax.  But here they were with random people in their room doing stuff that could have waited until after they left.  Well, they left alright and after they were long gone, they discovered they could lock the door, but the deadbolt was not hooked up and working.  This proposed a huge problem especially with her kids in the other room.  With no option to deadbolt the door, her need to feel safe and a husband who just said “okay” when they told him they’d be back in the morning to fix it, did not sit well with her.  That didn't help with feeling safe and sleeping peacefully tonight. 

She knew she was taking a risk demanding a new suite.  What if the rooms were worse?  What if the suite was smaller with no ocean view?  But…What if they upgraded her and the door had a deadbolt?   Either way, after the tantrum, multiple conversations with the night supervisor, her husband visiting the front desk, and security coming to the room to assure them that all would be safe and secure, the only option would be to stay and barricade the door with a coffee table and a bench.  Yes, they were moving furniture now.  Yeah, even a little more psychotic perhaps, but maybe not if it brought some peace of mind.  “They have no clue what I’ve been through.”  “They’ve never lived my life and maybe if they did, they’d understand.”  The words came out of her mouth like a sad little victim trapped in the past.  All she knew was she no longer wanted to live like herself anymore.  “What are you scared of?”  Her husband asked. Good fucking question she thought…There was a pause and silence. 

Her first initial response was clearly everything, and sadly she never used to be like this.  Then her next response was well…Nothing.  Nothing anymore because everything she once was scared of or feared actually came true for her.  Her fears went something like this.... 

Someone will get hurt or they will come after you, they’ll break into your house, they’ll take your money, you will probably have to go to court, they’ll leave you, you’ll lose everything, you’ll end up being a single mom, you’re too fat, you’re not good enough and nobody will help you.  The list went on and on… She was scared of losing a child, getting lost, being left behind, getting sick, travelling to new places, helping a random stranger, standing out, not being professional enough, scared of eating too much, scared of eating too little, fearful of letting people go, fearful to move to a new location, scared to fly, scared to spend her money, scared of paying too much in taxes, scared of losing her job, scared of getting too close to people, scared of being different, scared of not being liked, scared of what other people will think, scared of looking stupid, scared to get her hair wet in the pool, and so on.  All these silly fears.  All once focused upon like a fly drawn to shit.  All fears that came true like a terrible nightmare and living hell.  A living hell that’s still somehow haunts her to this day.

She wasn’t a raging psychopath.  She was far from it.  She was in fact a smart, bright, gifted, positive, talented, and hard-working woman who was scared.  Scared of her own greatness and scared to let herself be fully seen and she wore those fears like a badge of honour with a few extra pounds, a shield around her heart and anger that would come out anytime she felt unsafe or threatened, and rightly so.  Or was it rightly so and justified after 20+ years?  Could she let it all go?   Could she find a way to be different, think differently, and most importantly live differently so she could actually enjoy her life.  She sure hoped so, for living in fear truly was no way to live. 

She finally went to bed, but not peacefully.  She heard noises, kept checking the front door just to make sure the barricade was still there,  and then at one point she was woken up in the middle of the night and this quote by Marianne Williamson came to her mind.  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.   Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

And then it finally clicked…

If she could focus on her fears and what she didn’t want to have happen actually came true for her, then she could dig deeper to focus on her biggest fears and those would also come true.  She liked this idea much better for now she could allow her fears to help her achieve what she truly wanted and she could live a life that truly excited her and made her feel alive.  Deep down she was scared to be fully see for who she was. 

She was scared of being rich and famous.  She was scared her house would be too big for her to clean by herself.  She as scared to hire help to make her life easier.  She was scared to have a nanny to help watch the kids while she did work she absolutely loved.  She was scared to be part of a team.  She was scared to have a housekeeper.  She was scared to have trust-worthy and excellent people in her life.  She was scared of having amazing friends and a passionate loving marriage.  She was scared she’d be travelling too much, and her kids would miss school because they were having way too much fun exploring new places around the world.  She was scared to let people get close to her.  She was scared to have so much money she wouldn’t know what to do with.  She was scared of being too happy, too pretty, too fit, too healthy, too strong, and too sexy.  She was scared of accountants and lawyers.  She was scared of being loved and adored.  Scared of having her own recording studio.  Scared to speak up and use her own voice.  She was scared to own a red sports car, or 5 cars for that matter.  She was scared to own multiple properties.  She was scared to fly private.  She was scared to get pregnant and have another baby.  She was scared of paying taxes.  She was scared of owning her own business and being her own boss. She was scared to have too much time on her hands.  She was scared of not needing a budget and buying whatever she wanted.   Scared to save and invest her money.  She was scared of being accepted.  She was scared of being creative and one of a kind.  She was scared of being safe and secure.  Deep down she was scared of being too successful and that is just really fucked up that you can actually be scared of your own greatness. 

That next morning, she got up and decided that she wasn’t going to live life how she was living it before.  She could either be scared of bad things and what she didn’t want to have happen would come true, or she could be scared of the good things and what she really wanted, and good things would come true.  She decided she only was going to think and focus on the good things.  From that moment on she realized that her fears might always be there but now she was in control of what happened in her life and the outcome. 

She was facing her fears head on and despite still having them, she was choosing to be successful, rich, supported, creative, confident, courageous, safe, secure, peaceful, energized, fun, happy, positive, healthy and whatever else she wanted because the other choice didn’t look or feel too good, and it definitely put a damper on her marriage and sex life too. 

So, there you have it.  You can have fear or you can have faith.  Or even better...  You can have fear, faith, with a sprinkle of raging psychopath on top when and if it's absolutely necessary, for when it comes to protecting your life, your safety, your babies, your family, and your dreams, we don’t mess around.

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