The Mother Wound

What do you need right now?  That is a beautiful question you can ask yourself today.

Really take a minute to ask yourself what it is you need and then be the one that is going to give that to you, or work towards giving that to yourself, because the truth is, you have to keep taking care of yourself.

The other truth is you too need the love, compassion, and attention you give to others.

This morning I asked myself this question and what came to mind was...maybe I need to talk to my mom.  I had been sitting enjoying my morning coffee with my husband and something made me go over to the cabinet where I keep all of the family photo books.  For the last 15 years I had made a photo book of all of my favourite memories and I seemed to stop making them after my mom died.  I also suffered a 4th miscarriage that same year.  

…and then floodgates opened.  But lets be real here.  The floodgates are always open, and those waves of tears come crashing in at the most random and unexpected times.  Such is grief, heartache, and loss.    

After my mother died and after I lost the baby, a part of me also died.  it opened a gaping mother wound that seemed to be so deep that I didn't think I’d ever see the bottom of it. 

It was like my whole entire world was collapsing and I became non-existent in my world and a shell of myself.  Losing my mother and having that wound dug up everything from my own childhood that I left unprocessed and shit… that wound was deep, generations deep.

I had a lot of work to do on myself and ding ding ding...  It was like a light bulb moment for me.

Maybe I wasn't that fucked up after all. 

Maybe I just had a wound that needed patching and maybe I needed to learn how to reparent myself and give myself the love, kindness, compassion, nurturing, and attention I truly deserved.  Maybe this mother wound was in my bloodline for centuries and I was going to be the one to stop it from spreading. 

Looking back I can see so clearly now.  The life I built, and the walls I built around my heart had to all come crashing down so that I could rebuild my life the way I wanted to.  Not the way I was unconsciously living before or told how to, but this time I could rebuild my life up the right way and with the right mindset.  

If you do a simple google search of symptoms of a mother wound here is what you will find. 

• Feeling unloved, unappreciated, or unworthy:  This can lead to persistent low self-esteem and a belief that one is not good enough. 
•  Difficulty with emotional regulation:  May struggle to identify, understand, and manage their emotions, potentially leading to anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues. 

•  Fear of abandonment:  A deep-seated fear that loved ones will leave or that relationships will not last. 
•  Self-sabotaging behaviors:  Unconsciously making choices that undermine one's own well-being or goals. 
•  People-pleasing:  Prioritizing others' needs over their own to avoid conflict or gain approval, often at the expense of their own well-being. 
•  Lack of boundaries:  Difficulty establishing and enforcing personal boundaries in relationships. 
  
  

Relationship Difficulties:

•  Trouble forming and maintaining healthy relationships:  May struggle with intimacy, trust, and emotional connection in relationships, often repeating patterns of dysfunction. 
•  Seeking validation from others:  Constantly seeking approval and affirmation from others, reflecting the unfulfilled need for emotional nurturing from a primary caregiver. 
•  Fear of becoming a mother:  If the mother wound is deep-seated, individuals may fear replicating the patterns of neglect or emotional unavailability they experienced as children. 

Other Manifestations:

•  Low self-confidence: A lack of belief in one's own abilities and worth. 
•  Paralyzing perfectionism: Striving for unattainable standards to gain approval and avoid criticism. 
•  Self-destructive behaviors: Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, eating disorders, or other behaviors that harm oneself. 
•  Lack of motivation: Feeling unmotivated or unable to pursue goals and aspirations due to a lack of self-belief and emotional support. 
•  Chronic self-judgment and criticism: A relentless internal dialogue that belittles and berates oneself. 

Suddenly my whole life started to make sense, and I began unravelling a lot of stuff and really getting to know the real me… and not the wounded me that was showing up in the world, and let me tell you, that’s a lot of fucking work.

For years and years every morning I would wake up at 4am and I would sit in meditation.  Basically I became a monk except I wore fitness leggings and had hair extensions.  That's all I did.  I'd sit alone with myself, my thoughts, my past, my fears, my mistakes, my past failures, and a higher power.  I'd shed light onto my darkness and I'd sit and cry and cry and cry.  It was during this time I wrote this book.  I began to heal myself and my past and I’m here today finally putting my own needs first and knowing who I truly am at my core.  I walk in total confidence of my own divine truth and how powerful and life changing a simple practice of meditation really is. 

The other thing I’m most confident of, is that you can actually talk to you loved ones on the other side and ask them for guidance. Now while some will call me crazy, woo-woo, witchy and sometimes downright bitchy (lol - that just rhymed but I'm sure some people do call me that), and I’m totally cool with it.  In fact, I had a little conversation with my mom today and a good little cry as I heard her guidance. 

Your loved ones are on the other side "alive", well, happy, and free. They are just waiting for you to slow down long enough so you can connect with them.  I don't know about you, but some days I still need my mom and I still want to talk to her.  If you’ve ever lost a loved one and want to connect, I wrote this blog post about connecting with your spirit guides.  If you're still enough, and quiet enough you will hear them and their whispers.  Ask them anything you want, and they'll give you the answers.  So yea.. I guess I am the crazy woo-woo witch that talks to dead people on the other side.  Is that creepy or is that connection to eternal life?  I believe the latter. 

Now let's just say you don't have a good relationship with your mother, or you completely hate her guts.  Maybe she was an awful woman who wasn't there for you and neglected you.  Well chances are she has her own wound, and knowing this truth, might actually allow you to have a little sympathy and compassion for her, and see things a little differently.   If you have a wound, and if that wound is not patched, it will come back to haunt you and there’s a pretty good chance you will unconsciously recreate the same life she had, but in a different form.  If you have anything other than love in your heart for your mother, it will literally affect everything in your life, so doing this work is absolutely necessary if you want real happiness, health and inner peace.  Choose to do the deep inner work to heal and love your mom.  Even if she was a really shitty one.  That doesn’t mean you need to hang out with her and spend time with her, but it does mean there is peace and most importantly acceptance and forgiveness in your heart.  If she’s passed on, then sit and have a little heart to heart with her.  Maybe you’ll hear her whispers and maybe you can even tell her how you really feel so that you can get whatever you need to say off your chest, move on, and let it all go.  As my Mom would say… Shit happens so choose to walk on.  You're alive, you survived and whatever happened made you into the incredible person you are today.  Give thanks for that for you probably chose the perfect mom to teach you everything you needed to learn.  Putting your own needs first and taking care of your own life is vital but you must do it with an open heart. 

That's partially why I created my Life Worth Living Challenge and all of my meditations because if you've lost yourself (or never truly knew yourself in the first place), it's totally up to you to discover who you truly are and to make the most out of your life.  You have one life, and if it's not everything you want it to be, or need it to be, you're the only person that is going to change that and meet your own needs.  You're the hero of your own story.  So let this be a little reminder.  You've got everything within you already to make your life (and your family's life) everything you want it to be. 

For me, I am forever grateful for everything I have been blessed with.  I came from a mother who was told she'd never have children, so that in itself is a miracle.  I also know that one day I will add the missing piece of my heart and make my own family complete, and I trust in God's perfect timing on that one.  The good, the bad and the absolutely downright devastating, horrible and heart shattering, I sit here today grateful for it all.  Having your heart broken over and over again is truly the only way to find real love, peace, joy, and understanding.  But for right now, I think what I need (and want to do) is get caught up on all of those photo books I've been neglecting.. I think it's time.. and the perfectionist in me (thanks Mom - lol) can't have any years missing.   

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Additional Reads:

Wake Up and Live - 101 Days of Deep Inner Work to Transform Your Life

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High Level Leadership - Levelling Up to Meet Your Highest Self