Keeping Only What Matters: How to Release Old Belongings After a Loved One Has Passed

If you've ever lost someone you love, you will know that letting go is hard.  Letting go of their stuff can be equally hard and while you're in the thick of grief you might not even be thinking clearly.  I can tell you that we are all just doing the best we know how to do.  Some of us like to hang on to things. Others find it easier to just let things go.  Myself?  Well... Things generally stick with me longer than most people, and I used to have a really hard time parting with things, and I guess depending on what that is, I still do.. Well the sentimental things anyway.  Over the years I've learned a lot and my intention here is simply to share my experiences as to what has worked best in my own life.

Old jewelry, knick knacks, letters, furniture, text messages, a sweater, an old wallet, a vase, or whatever else you might have wanted to keep at the time your loved one left you might still be doing you more harm than good.  Maybe those things helped you find comfort or helped you to keep a memory alive, but many years later you might find yourself weighed down by things that no longer bring you joy.  For some keeping these things might put them right back into a season or an era they really have worked hard on to overcome.  

Perhaps overtime now you're looking at these things and wonder to yourself.. Why am I keep this?  Or, this damn box of stuff has moved with me to 7 homes and half way across the world and I haven't once displayed or used a single thing from it.  Do you really need it?  Do you really want it?  That's the bigger question and is "feeling bad" keeping you from letting it go.  

Sorting through a deceased loved ones belongings is one of the most emotionally complicated tasks we ever face.  Objects carry memories, guilt, nostalgia, pressure, and sometimes even emotional heaviness and dead weight we need to get rid of.  Many people keep far more than they actually want, not because the items serve them or they like them, but because they feel bad letting anything go.  Some even think about money and what things "might be worth" and my response to that your peace of mind and health is way more precious and valuable than an old thing you really don't want to keep.  When you're heart says let go, but your head feels bad about it, guess what?  Feeling bad doesn't mean you are truly connected to love.  You're still carrying grief and negative emotions that will weigh you down and rob you of your health, happiness, energy, and time. 

Your home is your sacred space and what you surround yourself with will impact your energy, your health, and how you show up in the present moment.  So know that you're not alone because this shit is hard.  but also know that while you could be honouring your loved one by keeping their old stuff, you could be dishonouring what's right and best for you, your home, and the people who are alive with you today.   So here we go!

1. Start with a Loving Mindset and Know You Are Not Throwing Away a Person

I've been around many deaths in my lifetime and this is what I know to be true.  When a person dies, they leave their body and their energy or life force carries on.  Their stuff however, well that's not your loved one.  That was simply the stuff that they had in their home or bought from a store at one time or another.  One of the biggest emotional hurdles is the feeling that by getting rid of an object or an item it means discarding the person.  But objects are not relationships and they are not memories, and they surely are not love.  A person’s life is not stored in their old sweater, their old paperwork, or the thousand knickknacks they once owned.  Letting go of physical items does not diminish your connection to them.

Before you begin sorting or going through any old belongings, remind yourself:

•  “I honour my loved ones now by living my life fully, not by storing everything they touched or once owned.
•  “What stays in my home reflects who I am now.”

2. The Present Moment Matters More Than the Past

Your home should tell the story of your life.  It's not a museum to your ancestors.  We often keep things because we fear losing the past, but the truth is keeping objects that don’t support who you are now prevents you from living fully.  Sure it's a beautiful way to honour your loved ones by keeping a few things that you truly feel connected to, but to keep an entire shrine?  That's another story, and perhaps a really creepy one.

Ask yourself:

•  Does this item fit the life I am currently building for myself and my own family now?
•  Does it reflect my current values, style, and energy?
•  If this was something a stranger owned, would I actually want it?

If the answer is no, then its presence in your home is based on guilt, not love.

3. Create Simple Sorting Categories

To avoid overwhelm, use four clear categories:

Keep (with a positive intention)

Items that genuinely bring happiness, comfort, connection, or joy you might want to keep.  But keep it small and meaningful and make sure you really love it and that it fills you with a good memory, and not a bad on.

Photograph & Release

If something is meaningful but not something you want to store or keep, say a little prayer, hold some love in your heart, and take a photo of it.  You then can dispose of the items without having all the clutter in your home.  Sometimes this process can take time, and sometimes we need to breath through it and allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel.  Honour this stage and know that your heart will always whisper to you. In fact, you can even call upon your departed loved one for guidance and they'll whisper to you too as to what they'd want you to do.  Chances are they'd whisper, let it go ;)

Donate or Rehome

If you think someone else might love something you can give the items away.  Passing on an item can be a form of honouring a loved one too.  But on the flip side if you have received something from someone else and you don't really love it, you can donate it or rehome it too.  You don't have to keep anything you don't really love.  

Recycle or Dispose

Not everything needs a ceremonial farewell. Some things have served their purpose.  Quite honestly sometimes it's best to just dispose of things because there might be a slight chance that if you got rid of something that didn't bring you joy, but give it to someone else in the family you might see it again and it might bring you right back to the place and all the negative emotions you've moved on from.  

4. Some Items Carry Negative Energy or Remind You of Negative Experiences

Some objects hold emotional charge.  Letters full of unresolved conflict, items that remind you of painful memories, or belongings connected to unhealthy dynamics or a past that you've worked hard on to heal from.  You might feel heaviness around these things and you should probably trust that.  

Here’s how to handle these pieces.

Acknowledge the Emotion

Perhaps maybe we've held onto things because we haven't truly made peace or felt what we needed to really feel in order to be truly whole.  When sifting through old things allow yourself to feel all you need ot feel.  It’s okay to admit the object feels heavy or burdensome.  It's okay if you get angry, cry or even talk out loud as you're working through things, but this is part of the process of returning home to love and keeping only the good stuff.

Decide Whether Processing Is Necessary

Ask yourself:

•  Does reading this letter or keeping this object help me heal?
•  Or does it simply reopen wounds and make me feel worse?
• How does my body feel and react to this when I look at these things?
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want anyone going through this stuff?
• Is this the kind of energy I want in my home now?  

If it only harms or makes you feel sad, angry, bad or returns you to a time in your life that you have since moved on from, you do not owe the past another moment of your peace, time, or energy.

Release Rituals (Optional)

You can let these items go in a way that feels intentional:

•  Burn a letter in a safe place as a symbol of closure.
•  Shred or tear it as an act of reclaiming your emotional boundaries.
• Write a letter and put how you feel on paper and why you're moving on.  Then bless the items with love.  Then delete the letter, and dispose of the stuff you no longer want. 
•  Say a short statement, such as:
  “I release what no longer belongs to my life and choose to embody and fill my home with positivity and love.”

There is no wrong way to release emotional clutter, just do what feels right and best for you.

5.  Keep Only What Supports the Life You Are Living Right Now

When you finish sorting, check in with yourself:

•  Does your home feel lighter?
•  Does it feel more like a reflection of you? 
•  Are the items left behind intentional, and do you love them and do they have a happy memory attached to them?

The goal isn’t to erase the past, but it's to honour your life and your past for what it was and to remain rooted in the hear and now. 

6.  Allow Yourself to Move Forward Without Guilt

You are allowed to do what is right and best for your own well-being.  You are allowed to keep very little.  You are allowed to keep nothing.  You are allowed to throw things away.  You are allowed to choose yourself, your family, and your home.  The memory of your loved one lives in you, not in the boxes in your closet, old furniture, or clutter laying around the house.

So as we wrap up, know that letting go is an act of love.  Not just for the person who passed away, but for yourself.  You honour your loved ones by carrying forward what truly matters in this lifetime which ultimately at the end of the day is love and not their clutter.  Your home is your present.  Fill it with things that reflect who you are today.

Are You Ready to Make this Year The Best One Yet?  

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Additional Reads:

Wake Up and Live - 101 Days of Deep Inner Work to Transform Your Life

Rise and Shine - 101 Days to a Happier You

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