So here we are.

We are sitting on the front porch simply enjoying the sunshine and a morning cup of coffee.

There is nothing to do, nowhere to be, and quite honestly I like it that way.

There is also another part of me that has a really hard time stopping and feels guilty for resting.

She likes to get up and go. She likes to be productive, and she likes to check things off a list. In fact, she feels even better when she actively checks things off. Almost like she’s accomplished or done something with her life. She hates being bored.

Checking things off a list. Being busy. Getting things done. Always somewhere to be and something to do.

There’s a flip side to everyone and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out which one of me I like best, and who is more authentic.

Quite honestly, if I’m being real here, it’s the one who’s writing this.

She’s unseen.

She’s quiet.

She hides away in the background.

Doesn’t need to be the centre of attention.

She’s loving, compassionate, caring, and kind. She’d never hurt a fly. She’s weird and different. She’s cool and magical. Funny, smart and a really great mom and wife.

She’s the one I connect with the most.

She’s the one that feels most like home.

She’s also the one with unwashed hair, wearing either the same clothing on repeat, but today she’s wearing a camouflage jogging suit with nothing underneath.

No socks, no shoes, no bra, no fresh manicure, no fresh pedicure, and only a tiny smidge of makeup with a head full of dry shampoo.

She has hair extensions and that’s her guilty pleasure. She also likes getting her nails done and going to the spa, but sometimes that just seems like too much effort and too much work at times.

She likes sugar and cream in her coffee and she likes to take her time getting up in the morning. She enjoys reading thriller books, watching trashy reality shows, and she really likes to eat chips, chocolate, and sushi.

She really enjoys a glass of red wine and she loves writing. Writing is what makes her come to life.

She’s also loves cleaning her house, fresh flowers and lighting a good smelling candle.  She loves organizing and she loves it when the laundry is all caught and put away. She loves baking, but hates to cook dinner.

The other version, well she’s quite different, and quite honestly she’s a pain in my ass sometimes.

Anytime I really just want to relax and be myself, she comes in rearing her ugly head and she wants me to throw away my camouflage jogging suit because it’s got pills. She hates pilly clothing with a passion. It looks ratty-tatty, she says, and sure, she’s probably right.

She’s gotta be up early, and ready for the day before her kids wake up. She’s gotta be first. She’s gotta be seen. She’s gotta be in control. She’s gotta be on stage. She’s gotta be dressed the best, and her hair, lashes, makeup, and nails all have to be done and perfect. She’s got goals to achieve, places to be, freshly made dinners to make, and she doesn’t stop until everything is checked off that list. She’s a bitch. She’s unhealthy. She’s tired. She never has enough.  She’s full of guilt, shame, worry, stress, and insecurity. She’s the mask of “perfection.”

She’s my other half.

The thorn in my side.

The wounded version.

The one that comes out out of the house to put on her “best show”. Her nutrition is “on point” and she works out 5–6 times a week. She’s the responsible one. The strong one. The one that takes care of everything. The one that holds it all together.

She’s got a nanny, a house keeper, a driver, a stylist, a coach, a mentor, a trainer, a driver, a lawyer, an accountant, a photographer, a personal assistant, a chef, and an entire team of people helping her simply exist.

But quite honestly, she’s not a lot of fun to be around and she’s miserable as fuck.

She exhausts me some days, and at the end of the day I still have to live with her for she will somehow always be a part of me. I have to sit with her. Talk with her. Love her. Give her what she needs, which usually is a lot more love, praise, acknowledgement and attention.

But I prefer the real me.

The me that takes it easy.
The one that’s not so tense.

The one that doesn’t need to be the strong one.
The one that’s not always learning something new.
The one that’s not always striving to get someplace different.
The me that stays a little longer sitting in the sunshine listening to the birds chirp.
The me that doesn’t have a mile-long to-do list that needs to be done before 10am.
The me that skips a workout and eats Viva Puffs from the cupboard and popcorn for dinner on occasion.
The me that takes vacations, laughs, and enjoys her life without a care in the world.

The one who can be herself, live her own life and doesn’t need to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.

The one that has absolutely nothing to prove.

The healthy me.

The happy me.

The whole me.

The me that I was before I somehow thought I needed to be any different. The me I was before I lost my connection from who I really was.

And sure, don’t get me wrong, there are days where I love getting all dolled up to go out for an event but quite honestly once I’m out I’d rather be back in my pilly jogging suit that I can’t throw away just yet with no bra, no underwear, and no makeup.

So where am I going with this?

Except for the fact that it’s confusing as fuck and there’s always a tug of war going on inside of each and every single one of us.

A tug of war between who we think we should be and what will make everyone else happy versus who we really are and what will make ourselves happy.

One is miserable, requires a lot of work and effort, never has any peace, and usually never wins in the end.

The other is happy, requires little to no real effort, is fully of peace and is always winning.

All I know is that we all have a version within us that is real, honest, and our truest version of ourselves.

We each have a mask we show the world, and our one and only job is to get really clear about who and what we are showing the world and, most importantly, who we are being underneath that mask if we choose to wear one.

I know for myself, taking off the mask and just allowing myself to be myself has taken me a lot of time to get used to, and I think that’s the whole point.

I also know that it’s so easy to get lost in some made-up version of ourselves we think the world will like and enjoy, only to look in the mirror and not recognize the person we’ve actually become.

We are conditioned to grow up and believe that people won’t like us for who we really are. So we cover ourselves up with layers.

Layers of clothing we don’t really enjoy.
Layers of makeup we don’t really like wearing.
Layers of rules we believe we must follow.
Layers of beliefs that aren’t really true.

Layers and layers that eventually need to come off in order for us to get to the good stuff that has been hidden within us this whole time.

So if you’re out there reading this, and stuck between who you once were and who you’ve always been, or on a journey of finding your way back home to who you really are, trust and know that when you stop and truly listen to your heart, there you will find the sweet spot of truth, love, honesty, compassion, and courage.

Courage to be yourself in a world full of people doing their very best to hide who they really are underneath all of the layers.

And sure, you might look entirely different, and do your life entirely different than how you operated before, and that’s the whole point.

Change.

For if we stay stuck doing the same things over and over again expecting our lives to be any different, then that is the definition of hell.

Heaven on the other hand is right here, right now, the the present moment, unseen, quiet, and whispering quietly in your heart.

xo

Lindsay

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Additional Reads:

Wake Up and Live - 101 Days of Deep Inner Work to Transform Your Life

Rising Higher - 101 Days of Rising Happy, Healthy and Free to Serve a Greater Good

Personal Power - 101 Day of Relentless Action Forward

Life Worth Living - A 28-Day Guide to Inner Peace, Love, and Joy

Hey, I’m Lindsay Rose Martin

I am a spiritual medium and writer who helps people transform their lives.

Through my work, I help individuals awaken their highest potential, connect with their loved ones on the other side and create lives of vibrant health, happiness, inner peace and personal freedom.

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